To pick up where I left off the last time. Yeah, I remember Chris telling me about his dream that he was in some sort of Mortal Kombat type setting and he just finished demolishing this one guy. Chris comes into the bedroom and lays down with me and starts crying because the next guy is going to be me. And Chris didn't want to demolish me/kill me and vice versa. And he told me, at the time, that it was the first time that he realized he cared about another person so deeply that it caused him so much pain.

And I thought it was the best sign in our relationship at that point, you know? I guess its just me and how I give my love and affection to people so easily. Chris wasn't, isn't like that. So when I heard him explain the dream to me, I was so relieved that maybe Chris felt the same way about me. I mean, its great how deep dreams are sometimes and how much they reveal about the person.

And I think its kind of analogous to the state of things now. How Chris and I are kind of fighting each other and how much it sucks. I don't want to necessarily "kill" Chris and I believe he doesn't necessarily want to "kill" me either. But there's so many bad feelings between us that it makes me very uncomfortable. I am not the kind of person that deals with bad feelings and environments easily. I just want to fix everything and make things all better but I know that I can't possibly do this. Well, I can but either it won't work or the best solution would end up being to wait it out for things to die down. And I am not a good waiter.

So I wake up today and I go on my rounds online. I check my mail, check my blogs and check my Facebook. No one has uploaded any pictures yet of the Queer Prom. But that's not what I'm going to talk about. I found out that Chris had removed me from his friends list on Facebook. And I find this kind of shocking. Michael did too but I don't really care. I mean, I care in the sense that he doesn't feel very good towards me. But, its Michael, so what? I was focused on Chris. Sure, it isn't the worst thing to happen but I just didn't expect it at all.

I debated with myself if I should add him as a friend again. And the obvious answer was no, I shouldn't. But I did anyway. Why? Because the pain makes me feel alive? No. Because I had believed that our little "We're not talking to each other because when we do, we hurt each other" bout was only temporary and everything will be solved with time. Right, right?

I don't know. And shut up to everyone who says I should cut him out of my life. I don't do that. I never do that. It would just feel as if I'm running away from things. Which is an option, I admit. But its not the option I would...opt for.