According to my Last.fm profile, I have logged about 11k songs ever since I started last year. But I'm sure the actual number was much much higher since my iPod is always with me and always playing something. But I never was able to get the iPod program to work for me. It's supposed to count the songs played on the iPod and log them, etc.

Queer Prom is this weekend and I am exhausted. Deanna and I have been running around organizing Queer Prom and National Day of Silence. They're going to be great. And I need a break from everything.

The whole drama thing with Chris/Michael/Amy/People-on-my-side left me feeling sore too. I had debated whether or not to mention it again on this blog but I decided that I don't really blog for other people. I blog for myself. Sure, there's always that small exhibitionist aspect when it comes to public personal blogs but I have always believed that despite all that, its still a great release for me.

The whole thing has been very shitty and I regret some of the things that were said. I regret some of the bridges that have been severely burned and construction is put off indefinitely. To an undetermined time. And, if I really think about it, perhaps Chris wasn't the best person for me. Perhaps I was too eager to jump into a relationship? No, I don't think thats the case. I mean, Chris and I really clicked on that first night we went out. We had a lot of things in common and I thought he was a great guy.

I even took him to meet my friends. Like, the first time we've ever hung out. I was his gateway drug into the gay world, more or less. I'm not saying that my gay world was THE gay world, but you know.

But as thing progressed and everything, I started to find those things about him that I didn't like. But I was never in a serious relationship before except if you count Matt P, the first boy in my life. So I just assumed that people in a serious relationship usually let small little things go or try to work them out or whatever. Quitting in the middle seemed strange and stupid. Plus, the pros of going out with Chris far outweighed the cons.

But the cons just kept mounting. Like, for example, I had gotten Chris a pinkish rose for the Fall Ball and my favorite romantic poem - which I will post later. Chris loved the card with the poem but when it came time to take the rose, he just shrugged and told me to keep it. I ended up throwing it away. But, I mean, couldn't he have just taken it and thrown it away and not told me? Okay, maybe that was a bad example.

Or how about not letting me meet any of his friends? I'm not sure if it was a mistake on my part inviting him into my life. I'm not being clear. Okay, when we were going out, my life was divided into two parts: my family life and my friends & Chris life. Chris knew all my friends, I invited him to all the parties I went to, all the drinking, etc. And Chris loved it because he never really got the chance to do those things. He doesn't know any gay people and all he does is smoke pot or drink with his sister's friend or Amy/Amanda. But Chris' life was divided between Amy/Amanda/Friends, family, and me. Never did I meet his friends. I met his father. But that's about it. And I didn't feel as if it was even.

And let's not even go too deep into Battle of the Bands night. That night was when I first had inklings that perhaps Chris and I weren't meant to be. But, still, I didn't want to dwell on those thoughts at the time.

I remember walking to my car one day after school and seeing the beaver that Chris won for me at the movies from those games with the claws and stuff animals. I remember thinking to myself what would I do if Chris and I were to break up, where would the beaver live?

Well, the beaver is still in the car. I like it. I still have Google maps directions to Chris' house, directions to his uncle's house. I still have the list of WoW servers he is on and Amy's phone number.

Speaking of which, I just cancelled my WoW subscription. No point in playing it anymore. I've been a level 22 hunter for the last two months. I think its kind of boring without anyone to play with me. And it wasn't that great. To be honest.

I'm going to end it now since I'm hella tired.

The Poem I gave to Chris:

The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love;
O, the red rose is a falcon,
And the white rose is a dove.
But I send you a cream-white rosebud
With a flush on its petal tips;
For the love that is purest and sweetest
Has a kiss of desire on the lips.

- J B O'Reilly (1844-1890) -