Despite being a gay man, I have a horrible sense of color combinations. I know what looks good and everything but if you were to ask me what color scheme should a website have, I'd be totally useless. This is why I chose a safe white. And I'm not that good in HTML to create a blog with fancy-shmacy whatevers. Thank the holy jebus for Adobe Kuler. Now, other people can create the color schemes and I can just pick the highest rated (other people rate them too - shows how lazy I can be). I mean, how simple can it get? The only problem with this is that it raises the overall average attractiveness of websites on the world wide web.

Nevertheless, I don't think I'll be redoing this blog's design anytime soon. I haven't any ideas anyway. But I might apply the new color schemes (schema?) to the website I'm working for Common Ground. Hey guys-who-visit-my-blog-but-who-do-not-comment (GWVMBBWDNC), you can help me out. Visit the Common Ground beta webpage and tell me which colors work well together. Here, I'll even outline the work FOR YOU.

Mission: Worth 10 points to final grade

In other news, I just got my Chase credit card from Facebook. I know, I'm a bastard. Fuck you. Anyway, this is my first credit card and one of my friends was telling me when I get my credit card I should spend it to the credit limit, pay it all back and then ask the company to raise my credit limit = raise my credit score. I guess it sounded simple enough (Despite me being Asian, I am bad with money) but when I got my credit card, it'll be pretty impossible to reach my credit limit. I don't have that much money. So, I guess I'll just spend a little or so. I don't know, whatev. The first thing I bought? Scrubs. I am sick of wearing polos to work. So now I will be clothed in hot, sexy 100% cotton Jade and Navy scrubs. They're dark green and dark blue in case you don't like my descriptive color names. Actually, I always thought Jade was more of a Jade green light green but not as light as regular green color.

I should be folding laundry right now. Or doing homework. Or doing a myriad of other things. But I'm not going to.

EDIT: I added my Amazon.com wishlist. Just saying.

I've been pretty happy about the number of positive gay role models for the younger generation on TV. First one that I'll mention isn't really a role model, he's just some guy who plays a gay character on TV but I think any exposure is good.

I'm talking about Zach on Heroes. Apparently he's the gay friend of Claire (the cheerleader). Although he doesn't come out and say that he's gay, its implied. Like on the most recent episode, Homecoming, he went on about how we should all accept ourselves as ourselves, blah blah blah. And how that other rival cheerleader flat out told the audience (via conversation/being mean) to Zach. But its admirable how he handled the situation and how he's not the "stereotype" although, even if he were the stereotype, it wouldn't be bad anyway. But let's not digress. Because he's not the stereotype, I think this is positive since it exposes people to the possibility of someone being gay and not being the stereotype. You know?

Then there's Kenny on The War At Home. I know the show isn't all that good but I watch it solely for some Rami Malek love. I mean, just look at him, he's so good looking. And the things he says in those commentary sections of the show is just funny. Like the most recent episode, Dave (the father), got into an argument over a rosebush with Kenny's father - Dave's neighbor. In the end, both of the fathers refused to let their sons see each other anymore. As Larry and Kenny separated, Larry held up the international sign, the pinky and index finger to the side of the head signaling "Call me". That was cute. So, Kenny snuck over to Larry's house. When Dave walked into Larry's room to thank Larry for not having Kenny over, he noticed two plates, cards, and two lightsabers. Dave said, "Kenny, come out of the closet." And the funniest commentary from Kenny ever - "If only it was that easy!"

I also remember another episode when the sister - Hillary - was talking about how boys are bad and mean and evil, she was like, "Oh...boys." Cut to the commentary, Kenny was like, "Yeah...ohhh booooyyys." with a dreamy look on his face. Oh Rami Malek, I have a celebrity crush on you.

I give two thumbs up to the idea of more teenage gay characters. I wonder if there's anymore that I missed.

So today marks a day in which I finally realized that I can't help not being liked. There are going to be people who dislike me, even hate me and I am going to feel bad about it. But its not like I can do anything about it.

I always was the guy who bent over backwards for people or helped them out so that they don't think anything bad of me. I mean, it never got to the extremes (I don't think) but I was always that guy. And today, when one of my friends blew up in my face and basically ended our relationship because he thinks that I am immature and stuck in high school, I realized that perhaps I shouldn't be the guy who goes around pleasing everyone. I can't change the way I am, my personality. I certainly don't think I'm immature. But I don't know. People can perceive others differently.

So I can't do this anymore. I realized that the friends I have now are the ones that I chose and the ones that I can keep. I don't know, it doesn't make sense but you gotta deal with it, bitch. Cuz I ain't.

PS. Heroes is awesome.

The Fall Ball was a success. Starting a week before the ball I was so nervous and apprehensive about the whole thing since last year, I frankly did not have much fun. I mean, it was still a good dance and everything but there weren't as many people or awesomeness. I even wanted to tell Chris not to get too excited. But I didn't.

But as it neared I was getting more and more apprehensive but right at the point of no return, at 8:00 PM last night, everything came together and it was alright. People came and were dressed nicely, the food was laid out well and it was okay (mostly), the music was right, the lighting was right, the people were talking and socializing, everything was going great. And the best part? My Chris was right beside me holding my hand, kissing me. I felt like I so belonged here. You know? I talked to people, table hopped, introduced people to each other, played the host. Being the social bee.

I got Chris a white rose with a little flush or red on the tips because it was the representation of my favorite poem ever. Which goes, as follows:

Today I was listening to my favorite podcast ever, The Feast of Fools . Well, it was an older podcast since I'm always behind on my podcasts. They had these two drag kings on the show and one was named Johnny T and when Johnny T spoke, I was so surprised to hear a female's voice. And it wasn't a butch deep female voice, it sounded like it came from a very petite usual female. And then I started to think about how I came to that conclusion.

It's so funny - this, our, identity. We like to associate words and feelings, memories and concepts together. Female voice belongs to a female, Johnny T belongs to a guy. But when things don't match up, we start to get lost. Our world is based on the connections we make between the language we use and the concepts we live by. Happiness would have no meaning if we did not have a word for it.

I was talking to Chris the other day and we were debating on the significance of naming inanimate objects such as cars. I say that names given to inanimate objects, such as cars, are significant because by naming something we own it. We incorporate it into our consciousness and begin to build some sort of relationship with it. Chris, on the other hand, thinks that the name given to a car would be insignificant because no matter the name, the car would still have its intrinsic properties (of being shitty of shiny). Although, I said, that I agreed with his point, I still have to argue that the point isn't the name itself but the very act of naming. If I did not name something, then essentially it wouldn't exist for me. It's not because I'm a slow and dumb person but because that's how humans are.

Language can be defined as the systematic naming of things. What about verbs? Well, you can still name an action. When you name actions, its easier to reproduce that action since you can just name the action and people would know what you did. Instead of dragging people along with you shopping, you could just say, "Yeah, I went shopping."

Back to the starting topic, our identity. There's always, for me at least, this image that I want to maintain to my peers. I want to be that funny and witty kid who knows how to have fun as well as be smart and whatever. But sometimes I fail and I'm nasty and cynical. Sometimes I hate coming out because by coming out, I believe that it adds another tag to my list of traits.

Witty, smart, charming, funny, gay.

Is it such a bad thing? No. But it shouldn't be one of my defining points. But sometimes I just can't help telling people - because they ask confining questions such as "You free for some coffee?" and I have to say, "Sorry, I'm taken." and they'll say, "Oh? by who?" and I'll see, "Chris, my boyfriend." and then I get the weird look two out of three times.

Back again to the starting topic. Johnny T was the name that she gave herself for her drag king persona and afterwards have adopted it for daily non-drag-king use. Her friend, Gremlin, is also the same story. It's funny how some people prefer to shed the name chosen for them and choose their own name. It's the issue of control. And this time, I believe that they're controlling something they should have complete control over - their identity.

What do you think, if no one was named either until one was grown up and one's personality has matured or one wasn't name until one was mature enough to pick a name for one's self. I think everyone has a nickname once or twice in their lives. Sometimes its a derivation of their given name (mine was DenDen in grade school and now its Denisito at work) but others are given by other people based on the traits we have. My lab partner calls me China. My organic chemistry classmates call me BoyGenius.

What a different world.

Sad, no one calls me sexy. Chris calls me Kitten Tits. I call him hunny bun. I need a new pet name for him. Suggest some, now!

Whenever it rains I always run into this weird conundrum : umbrellas. I'll step outside and before I know it, it rains. But I don't have an umbrella since I like to leave my umbrella in my car and it falls to the floor and my friends who get in like to my car also like to stomp on the floor and break that umbrella. In the end, I am always umbrella-less.

So, I don't have an umbrella. And when I go to buy one they're always sold out or have those really expensive ones and I'm just like, "Pfft, whatever. I'd rather be a little wet than pay $10". Thus, I am always without an umbrella. Solution? Buy an umbrella on a non-rainy day. But then I don't remember to pick up an umbrella during my rare shopping trips. If its not rainy I don't look for umbrellas. And when it is rainy, I can't find one. Fuck you, rain. You can suck my dick.

And I also have to be careful while walking on campus on a rainy day. Not only do the white painted crossing lines make one slip if one is not careful but the mass of black umbrellas advancing towards you is enough to make you cringe. With their pointy sharp ends where the umbrella pulls the fabric. If one were to let the umbrella slip, you could poke someone's eyes out. And everyone's eyes are always covered by the umbrella. So they walk in straight lines and if you're walking opposite the stream of umbrellas, then you're screwed. Because no one sees you and if they do its because you're screaming from the pokes of the (what do you call them) spokes from the umbrella.

Solution to this is to have an umbrella. ugh.

I truly believe that the best way to relieve stress isn't necessarily going to the beach or whatever but to spend time with a person that really means so much to you. This week has been so stressing and I felt so drained and tired. I could not wait for the weekend on Monday and the rest of the week dragged on so slowly.

Friday I went out with Frankie to a rock show and that was not so much of a de-stresser but more of a "fun" activity. Although at times I felt like I was in high school or something. Most of the kids were high school-ish. But hanging out with Frankie was nice. The rock show was all the way in Delaware. I know, the hell.

Anyway, Saturday was where I felt great. I had work before but whatever, I did absolutely nothing. Then I hopped on the turnpike to pick Chris up. He had made me a burned MP3 cd (and it wasn't until later when I got a good look at the CD did I notice a "<3" on the side - it was cute). I drove him back to N-town and went past my house. He got excited. Then I took him to one of my favorite diners. Afterwards, we went to the movies - saw Babel. It was good but such a downer. But the whole time, we were holding each other and that felt nice. But it was only the prelude.

THE PRELUDE!?

Omg, what did I say!?

Yeah, I took him to lover's lane and popped down the back seats so we laid there on the back of the back seats, our feet extending into the trunk (which was cleared out). I can't really describe it. But hopefully you get the idea. And it was awesome. It felt like laying on a bed or something. We we just laid in our special little spot underneath the light-polluted sky with a lonely moon up ahead. We were so warm, the windows fogged up a little bit.

I want to do that again. Forever.

gosh.

So on Saturday Chris and I went on another date. This time he planned it and it was mostly held in his neck of the woods. Well, before the date we went shopping with Jordan and Deanna for decorations for the Fall Ball. Oh, I also forgot to mention that we were matching. Chris and I had almost the same outfit on even down to our shoes. So, it was a little funny.

Anyway, after the little shopping trip, Chris and I went to his high school to visit his marching band friends and kind of introduce me as his "date". Which was better than him introducing me as his friend or special buddy or whatever. He was recently outed by his Facebook entry and people were all like "Is he or isn't he!?" and since Chris is such a gossip whore or something, he had wanted to bring proof that he indeed was and even stir more rumors. Which was fine by me. But going back to high school, any high school, I began to really realize that it's such a different world from college. I just felt so out of place, you know? Something about it, I don't know. Perhaps it was because it wasn't my high school and I felt out of place. I haven't been back to my high school yet. Perhaps one day.

After the high school trip we went to a sushi place in which we played footsies underneath the table and warranted a weird look from one of the ladies who worked at the place. It was funny. Afterwards, we went to Kid's Kastle which is like this big wooden castle structure to spend some time together or something but when we arrived there there were some kids (our age) playing Manhunt already so that was pretty lame. We went home. There's just no place for us to be together. It's so frustrating.

Sunday, I visited Chris at his work place. Then we went to the movies. We were on top of each other, etc. And about twenty minutes into the movie, this guy comes in and sits in the row in front of us. He turns around and asks us how much of the movie he missed and we told him. Minutes later, another guy comes in and sits next to the first guy. For the sake of sanity, let's label the first guy "A" and the second guy "B". Anyway, guy A was very nicely dressed and guy B, as far as I could tell, wasn't. Chris thought they were out on a date but after a while I didn't see them hold hands or anything. Although guy A was leaning a little towards guy B but nothing really happened. But every so often guy A would turn around and look at us. And Chris and I would always be in some weird position since the armrests of the seats wouldn't pull up so we were either holding each other hands or somehow we have either of our heads on the other's shoulders, etc. It was cool but so uncomfortable.

After the movie ended and we were walking down the stairs to leave and guy A was in front of us with his "date" (who looked like an ugly muscle man) stepped aside and said, "Go ahead". So we did and then at the door out of the theater, they passed us and guy A looked past at us as they walked by. Afterwards, Chris and I were like "WTF?" But we concluded that he must have been jealous because his date was so ugly. And we were so hott.

Yes, this must be the reason.

Friday is volunteering. It doesn't pay. But it's okay.

PS. Chris and I changed our Facebook status, we're official. Fuck yeah.

Today was a monumental day for me. Not only did I successfully wake up from a 5 hour sleep to go to biology lecture (on time without tripping) and working my butt off at the pharmacy, I also engaged in my first ever organic chemistry study group. You know what? I think that's my first ever study group...ever. Sorry for the grammar, my head really hurts right now.

But, let's think about this. I've never really studied. Like, I don't do the problems assigned, the labs I do the day before its due. And I usually never open the books. And so far, I've been getting B's. Now, let's think about this, this studying business (especially the business of study groups - which add the social aspect too) is actually not that bad. So, is it possible to actually ace a quiz instead of getting a little above average? Dare I say, but get an A ( + or -, I don't care) on a test!?

Think about it!

I am going to subscribe to this "studying" business.