I've been meaning to post something but everytime I start a post I always lose my focus and talk about giraffes or something lame like that. So, let's outline this post - to help me and to help you decide whether or not you would like to read it. First, I will summarize my Friday and then my weekend. Then I will talk about Halloween. Then to wrap it up, I will end it with an uplifting note on how I hate school. Good? Yeah!

So Friday. Like, last week was such a long week. I couldn't wait for Friday. Why? Because I had a lunch planned with this guy I met on XY.com. Nothing serious since he's taken and I'm kind of seeing someone (which I am still on the fritz about - is that the right expression to use? Whatever). But I was excited because he seemed like a sarcastic asshole which is the perfect formula for friends - in my opinion. So I had lunch with him, it was a late lunch and I had a good time. Good thing we weren't like, "So....you go to college?". The conversation just kept going and going, partly because we had things in common and partly because he had such a big mouth and kept talking. Not that that was a bad thing or anything. He talked about his time in London/Paris and how I should stay away from this Chad character if I ever do meet him. He talked about how he dislike fat people and about his music and about a thousand different other things. He had to leave for work at 4-ish so I walked him to his car and he had a really nice car. He hugged me but it wasn't weird.

Then I went back to the office to make sure that my PSP and my iPod weren't stolen by the brigade of lesbians but good thing Deanna got there and put them away. While I was there at the office I rescued Deanna from the torment of the lesbian brigade and we went together to pick up Chris from the train station. I was so excited to see Chris. Partly because I enjoy his company oh-so-much and partly because he had made costumes for us and I didn't know what they were. I took him to the CG costume party meeting and it was a complete disaster. Chris and I were the only ones dressed up and everyone else was a dyke. Except for Michael Beachem but he's out of my dateable range (since he's an olllld man) so I don't count him. I felt kind of bad because it was his first impression of a LGBTQ college meeting and it was so bad and boring.

So after the horrible meeting, we were like, "What do you want to do?" at each other and neither of us had a clue and Deanna was too tired/sick to offer any suggestions and I felt like I was the worst person in the planet because I dragged his sorry ass all the way to Temple and didn't really have anything planned and now he was probably bored and was probably like, "OMG, Temple is boring. Dennis is boring. I hate both of them now."

So quick thinking on my part I took him to the movies and we held hands. It was the easiest thing I could think of. Afterwards we went to the atrium-ish room and we spent some time there. I had my head in his lap and it was nice, just talking. A group of people walked in on us a little later onwards and they were like, "Oh, looks like the make out room. They're having fun, I want in!" and we just laughed or something, I don't really remember.

Then he went home and I went home. What I want is to define our relationship. Like, so I don't have to be like, "Does he like me or not?"

The weekend was boring and I don't feel like talking about it.

Halloween. My parents are the only house on the street that gives out pencils as well as candy for Halloween. People probably think we're a family of teachers and academics. Or perhaps thats what my parents want people to think. I don't know, it's just weird.

That's all I want to get into now. I just want to leave with my regrets of not being 21 so I can attend shows at bars and get drunk. Fucking goddamn it hell shit fuck.

At least, to me.

So today I was driving to school listening to my MP3 CD of most (if not all) of the songs ever written by Deathcab for Cutie. I usually listen to the CD set on shuffle. Once, I think, a long time ago I did listen to the CD through the progression of each and every song in the exact order they were meant to be listened (older stuff first then finishing with the Postal Service, which I argue is a little digression of the Death Cab branch) but that wasn't very exciting. So now, I only listen to them on shuffle.

One song came on (I don't really remember which one) from their live album. After they were done preforming that song the audience was cheering and everything and the lead singer started another song but had to pause and since I have listened to that MP3 CD a few thousand times I knew which song he was starting and every time I listen I always get so disappointed that he never got the chance to start that next song since I listen on shuffle and it would also shuffle to a totally random song. But today, however, the randomizer decided to pick the next song. So I got to hear the lead singer start the song, a little pause, then actually finish his start of the song.

"There's...a tear in the fabric of your favorite dress...and I'm sneaking glances"

It's funny how something completely random can be not-so-random one day. As if the very nature of randomness can make things seem sequential. It's hard to say, to describe what I'm talking about. So everyone is so confused right now.

But mainly, I'm thinking about the way our lives are going. Like, how everything is "random" as they say. But I don't think so. I think our lives are very structured. We know what we want and where we want to go even if it is not apparent to us. We know our limitations and our expectations. We know the circle of friends and our network of family. Our world is built on rules and judgment. But every once in a while, there's always that random event that pops up and fucks with the general structure. We might have a sudden death. Or a completely unrelated news story changes our lives forever. Or we might meet someone who we would have never met under normal conditions.

I think we must cherish these completely random moments in which things seem to just happen. I know, I do.

So I was talking to one of my coworkers today about opening up an account with an electronic bank (such as ING Direct) so I can save my money since I spend too much. They have 4.04% interest or something which is a lot for a savings account. Anyway, I might consider doing that. Have some sort of "secret" account to save money and when there's a rainy day I'll be like, "It's okay, I have tons of junk in my ING account. yay."

Transition to Chris. So he can't make it to the Friday Common Ground. Which disappointed me. I mean, now that its been a while since he said it, I am not really that disappointed anymore, but at the same time it's still a bummer. So I asked him when he's free again and he is totally not free until the 4th of November.

It is just my luck to meet a wonderful guy who I really like and have him be the busiest person in the universe. First it was Colin and now it is Chris. But this time, I think, Chris is different and I am actually going to back off and let him do whatever. Fortunately, I'm able to talk to him online on AIM so its not like I have no contact with him. But at the same time, I really want to see him. I plan on discussing this with him next time I see him online. Or I might chicken out, depends.

But I'm sick and tired of investing all of these feelings into one person and to have that person be like, "Oh, weekend's booked, sorry." Sure, at least he's not "DENNIS IS MY WHOLE WORLD" which would be creepy. But I guess I need some middle ground.

I don't know what I need. I need it to be November 4th. And I need to get into the 98 percentile on my PCATs. And I need more money. And a coat.

So the little "date" last night was so good. Okay, I had gotten out of work a little late because I was making TPN's and those require so much time and concentration. So I got out of work late and wouldn't have been able to make the train. Normally I would just take the next one but I didn't want Chris to have to sit there in the cold for an hour so I frantically got home and changed and drove to Philadelphia. He text'd me a few times and I have to drive and type back which was pretty amazing since I didn't die.

I was kind of worried that Chris would be 6'5 or something since I knew he was skinny and when I think of skinny I think of tall. But he is just the right height and when we sit down, it doesn't even matter.

Went to the library and checked out addresses for the Wooden Shoe and the Ritz but I'm bad with maps so I just decided to remember the street names since I knew the general location of the places.

Took the subway to South Street. Chris mentioned that the subway felt like one of those places for PDA games (public display of affection) but I just didn't think that playing homo PDA games in front of tough looking guys was the best idea at the moment. Plus, I haven't even begun to make moves on him. Got off the subway and was at South Street, walked a little bit and met some of his high school friends or something. He didn't introduce me so I can't really say anything about that.

Found the Wooden Shoe, went in, had good times with him. Left because it was a little stuffy/hot in there. Proceeded to the Ritz to see Shortbus. We didn't find the Ritz. So we went to Penn's Landing instead but after a while I realize where the Ritz was (because I remembered a certain landmark) so we got to the Ritz safely. Yay. Got tickets but they weren't seating until....forever so Chris and I spent the twenty or thirty minutes outside talking.

I love talking to him. It's so easy. And I love to make fun of him. It's so easy! Haha. We talked about favorite movies and "good music" - our tastes being very important to us and sometimes clashed. He doesn't like Mozart. I know, double u tee eff. But I forgive him.

Went inside, saw Shortbus - which is great BTW - held his hand and he put his head on my shoulder. He smelled nice. At the end we shared a little kiss, it was hot. Then we got out of the Ritz and I realized that I didn't know how to get back. So I called Rob/Deanna and they point out the directions but I decided to go and visit them at Moriarty's.

Chris doesn't have many gay friends and I am glad to introduce him to my gay friends because my gay friends are pretty neat. And he seemed to really like them. Which is always good. And I loved that Chris is a PDA person. We held hands outside - it was nice. It was cute. So, we hung out with them. Then Rob went to a club and Deanna, Maika, and our other two friends and Chris and I headed back towards Temple. Subway ride there was fun, he sat on my lap - he weighs nothing. And I love holding him. Chris and I semi-hurried to the train station for him to catch the train home - holding hands - but we missed the train by a few minutes which was frustrating since if we hadn't delayed and acted so cute together he wouldn't have probably missed the train. Well, whatever, I called up Deanna and asked to use her computer so I can look up directions to his house. Deanna came by to let us up and was a little red-eyed from crying. And I instantly knew what was going on. Maika had called it off with Deanna and I felt really bad. I felt really bad because I kind of created them and I had thought they would have been a great couple. But things just happen and I understand that. And all I can do now is to be there for Deanna.

At Deanna's place we had pasta that she made for us. Then we left to drive Chris home. He gave me a little peck goodnight since Deanna had come with us there wasn't enough privacy to have a full blown kiss. And probably also due to the fact that we were in front of his house and I figured he wasn't OUT yet. But I still enjoyed it and I can't wait until I see him again.

Chris is the first person that I have so much in common with. And I just want to sit him down on a couch and just snuggle with him or spoon somewhere. I just want to hold him. We don't even have to do anything. Argh, I can't wait until Friday when I see him again. And now, I have to go to work. Yes, I only got four hours of sleep. I hope I just don't fall down during the middle of work.

:-D

So today was the first day in which the cold finally comes by and gives everyone a nice chilly high five. I got out to my car and notices that there is ice covering the windows. So I had to spend the ten minutes or so scraping the ice off. I was afraid I'd miss my train. And cursing myself since I should have worn a thicker jacket.

It's the time of the year when the bodies of water (larger bodies of water) have that fine mist, foggy, thing on top early in the morning. I think it looks really nice and I would love to take a little boat and row into it. But I'd probably complain the whole time of the coldness.

Tomorrow I have a semi-date with this guy. I'm supposed to meet him at Temple's campus and he wants me to show him around South Street. Doesn't sound too hard. I told him I am not very good at navigating on foot but he says he trusts me. Aw, someone is dumb enough to trust me. It's cute. In a dangerous way.

I need to buy new pants, new jacket and new shirts and maybe a new beanie.

I really don't know what I want. Do I want a relationship? I think I do. Yes, I do want a relationship. I want a nice one with all the bells and whistles. I want to stop hanging out with lesbians. I want someone to hold me and someone I can joke with, make fun of, and just generally not try to be funny with, you know? Like, I wouldn't feel guilty being boring with because they like me enough to say, "Hey, he's a good guy and I would rather him shut the hell up than to tell another joke." or something like that. Hopefully not out loud though. Oh, whatev.

Let's pretend we're in Antarctica.

I love that song. That is why it is in my top rated and top played lists on my iPod. There's something about it that makes me sometimes believe in the words. Let's pretend we don't exist; let's pretend we're in Antarctica. Let's pretend we don't exist; let's pretend we're in Antarctica. Not to mention that I usually listen to my iPod when i'm driving home from the Ambler campus - the suburbian Temple campus. So the drive home is somewhat lonely and dark. There are times when I can't even see behind me in the rear view mirror. And those are the times in which I blast the music up and let the windows down. And I sing. Or at least try to.

I think I sound decent when I'm by myself. I try to match the pitch and style of the singer. Sometimes I can't match the accent but you can't be perfect.

Maybe, perhaps one day I would enjoy having a place in the country - somewhere where I can drive on lonely stretches of road blasting my music (which is always some sort of folk, indie, indie rock or some wierd mix of them) around. The smell of the cool air, aw that would be awesome.

When I was a little kid I used to love going outside in the summer and chasing the fireflies. Of course I used to catch them and expose their little tails and see why its glowing. And have the chemicals on my hand - my finger glowing a little bit and after a while it would just turn dark and make my hand sticky. After a few, I didn't really care anymore and just like to watch them fly about.

They say that the fireflies use their photoluminescence to attract mates. But I can't help but wonder how they manage to find each other. I'm sure that their eyesights isn't the best in the animal kingdom. So it must be a feat for them. But I guess, if you look it at a different point of view - since their eyesight isn't as good, they can see little blinking lights better. Just no details. They are focused on just those blinking lights and they are attracted to them. Just happens that most of the time, those little blinking lights belong to an attractive mate and hey - if they are already there why not make the time and procreate? It's only proper.

Let's pretend we don't exist,
let's pretend we're in Antarctica...

Eh.

Okay, maybe it shouldn't be as much as a surprise as I had first thought. But Colin and I are no more. Like, I felt there was some sort of hesitation on his part and too much enthusiasm on my part (which is never too good). But I'm glad that it ended before either party got in too deep. I just kind of wished he had told me sooner so I didn't have to go through the worrying stage of "Why hasn't he called me!?" or "Does he like me?" questions.

The party on Saturday was fun. It was the first time in a long time that I was able to drink and not have to worry about driving home. So I drank. And I got a little buzzed after the first Mike's Hard Lemonade. Yes, 5% alcohol. I had a couple. And a Smirnoff.

The best part was when people said that I acted so much more mature than my age. When they asked me how old I was, they were surprised at the fact I was only 19 - still a teenager. They saw that I am Asian and therefore would look a little younger than my actual age so they assumed I was older - like 24 or something. EGO BOOST.

I'm tired and my chest/heart area hurts a little. I want a make out partner now. E-mail me to apply.

I look like an effin' hippie. I think I have a mullet. I really do. Argh.

So this weekend is looking hot. Well, so is tomorrow. I really want to devulge some juicy information about what one person has said about another ("she's cute.") but I can't say from who or for whom because the two people involved might read this and the secret might come out before its ripe enough! And lost lesbian love will be on my hands. But I do love playing cupid. I foretell they will meet (albeit, again) today at Common Ground.

So on Saturday I plan on working. Deanna is taking the train into my 'hood and we're going to go to Lowes or whatever to shop for lumber for the doorframe. Then I'll drive her back to Philadelphia and we'll build it. Then she invited me to a party that Rob is throwing. Rob is 27 so this will be my first adult party, I guess. First non-college party but with people who can still look/be in college. So I'm excited about that. Deanna then wants to crash at Rob's place for the next day's Outfest. At Outfest on Sunday I am scheduled to meet with so many people - friends. Not like, meet for an interview. So many of the people I know will be there so I will surely run into all of them. It's a small gay world.

I just have to get through this bio lab. And my hair. Maybe I'll cut it next week. Shave it off. All off.

PS. I think I'm losing a little weight. I've been able to fit into my tighter jeans as of recently. Which is good.

I really see you upside down. But my brain knows better, it picks you up and turns you 'round.

Aw, I really love that song. Like, a lot. It's so simple but it manages to illustrate the way we percieve the world in a way that jives with what we expect to see and hear and experience. "This is fact not fiction". Although the lines between fact and fiction sometimes blur so much that you really can't tell what from which and you're left with nothing but an empty notion of truth and justice.

I was talking to my friend last night about the Amish fiasco a few days ago. Well, to be exact, it was more of me talking and my friend just listening because I was kind of going on and on - which happens sometimes. I was talking about how when I read the news reports on the incident (I don't even know what to call it) I kept picturing this specific imagery : Like, a family cowering underneath a terrible darkness, a terrible evil. I was telling them, that in a way we always need that terrible evil to complete the goodness in the world. We need the best of humanity settled - touching shoulder to shoulder - with the worst of humanity so that we have something complete and entirely human. It's essential and needed but not really wanted at the same time.

But, if you really think about it, if there were no conflict, if no one died of homicide or murder or manslaughter or whatever, would we be living in a utopia on Earth? Or would we be dead in heaven? Sometimes when I watch the old Star Trek episodes (The Next Generation or Voyager only) I find that their society is extremely immature - idealistic - stupid. For those who don't know, the Star Trek universe is set in future Earth in which there are no nationalistic feelings since there are no nations. There is no currency and people don't seem to have "jobs". Everyone joins Starfleet - the military, I think. So, its a militaristic state? Which would, intuitively, increase the nationalistic feelings. Which it does if you consider the whole of the Starfleet Federation of whatever they call it, a nation.

Nevermind the conflicts between nations but focus on the seemingly vanilla society within Starfleet. It's like, its dead. Static.

But perhaps, it's the 21st century mind talking and when we become more "enlightened" in the 23rd or 24th century, we can really be trusted to live in peace without money or soda drinks.

This post did not even make sense. I'm just typing.

I can't wait until the weekend. I'm seeing Deanna on Saturday so we can buy wood and whatever to build our door frame. Then on Sunday I'll be at Outfest. I get to hang out with Deanna, Rob and his boyfriend - Dan, and more importantly I get to see Colin! Tomorrow (Friday) Common Ground is having a meeting on coming out stories. I do not want to go but I guess I must.

And I have a bunch of scholarships to apply for. Yay. :(

So Colin did call me.

He actually called me last night but I was sleeping and I was confused as to why my phone was ringing since sometimes I use my phone as an alarm clock and when I opened my eyes it was only 11:30 PM or something so I was like, "It's not time yet. I'll sleep for ten more minutes." But then I realized that someone was calling me but by then it was too late. I got a voicemail though and those are always fun.

I planned on calling him tonight but he got a hold of me first. And it was nice to finally talk to him since Friday. Now, I can finally stop the self doubting and everything I've been doing ever since Friday. I get to see him on Sunday - I can't wait.

I need to go to bed now. Horrible day for me tomorrow. 840 class, yuck.

(yay for colin!)

GAH!

Okay, so I called Colin today at noon time (well, 11:30 AM) which is almost noontime. He didn't pick up. Then I called him again at 1:30 PM. He didn't pick up. Now, I'm itching again to call him. Should I? Argh. I feel like a big fat baby. I just wanted to call him and say hi and maybe invite him to a concert on Thursday.

But now I feel like an asshole who made a fool of himself on Friday. Was it something I did on Friday? Is he really just that busy? I mean, he could at least get back to me via e-mail or text message or something. I don't know. I'm practically chewing off my arm now. Grr.

I'm going to call him at 5:00 PM. Then I'm going to leave a voicemail (again).

*dies*

Dear Blogger,

So after the Colin Date #2 (which is the official title as of now) Charlotte - the high school fag hag - was like, "So I hear you were just on a date?" And I'm like, "'cha". She asked me to describe him and I said, "Well, Colin is a senior at Haverford and he's really Irish with red hair and everything." And then she said the weirdest thing to me:

"Didn't you used to date a guy with red hair?"

Uh...I had to think for a while. Not because I had five thousand ex-boyfriends (not even close). But because I haven't really noticed red hairness before. But yeah, she was right. Which is kind of scary. But another thing I noticed is that the only guys who have been interested in me are from Ireland or thereabouts.

Anyway, I wanted to flesh out is my constant need to be in touch with people. So in the case with Colin, its really different. So I don't really know how to deal with it. I tried calling him today and he didn't pick up. So I left a message telling him to call back. I didn't really have anything to say to him, I just wanted to talk to him and say hi. You know, whatev. I wish I could see him more often but my schedule is so full, its disgusting.

How should I proceed? Should I lay off of him for a while? Give him his space - relatively? Or should I call him again tomorrow? Should I give him a call now?

ahhh *dies*