I have Attention Deficient Dysfunction. Meaning that when I lack attention on me, I tend to not function. Thats all I'm saying.

I have a slight problem. You see, my credit card awards points everytime I use it. A point for each dollar that I shamelessly spend on food, Deanna and prostitutes (sometimes all in one). So I've accumulated a bunch of points ever since I got the card so I have to redeem them.

First Question: Do I redeem them now or wait until it reaches another level and redeem it later? If I redeem it now, then move on to second question.

Second Question: What the fuck should I get? Should I get the Golden Pacific Amenity Kit? What the hell is an Amenity kit anyway? There's a Sharper Image alarm clock but it looks kind of weird. And there's tons of gift cards.

I know I'll just decide to not do anything. Because that's how I am.

Oh yeah, speaking of which, I finally went to the Apple store to get my iPod fixed because it was acting weird. I think maybe because I dropped it but I never really told the Apple guys. I just handed them the iPod and told them to fix it. An hour later, they gave me a new iPod and I got half off a carrying case for my MacBook. This is why I love Apple. I absolutely love them. When they said, "Okay, we'll replace this for you." I responded with a "You'll replace the iPod's harddrive?" and he said, "No, we'll just replace the whole iPod. Here, have fun."

My long and hard switch from PC's to Mac's have been not very long nor hard, which is not a disappointment at all (thats so punny!).

Was nominated for Treasurer of Temple Democrats. Did not run because Avi was giving me evil stares and I'm kind of the VP of Common Ground. And I have a feeling I'm also the treasurer too. But I'm just saying.

Just putting it out there.

I'm not one to brag about my accomplishments or remind people until they acknowledge that I am a better person than they are (which means, as soon as I wrote those words down, you know they aren't true in the slightest) but I've been racking up the good karma points all week long. You could say that I've made myself a minor saint this past week.

Wednesday was National Day of Silence which went over very well. I mean, sure it should have been better and bigger and there could have been more protesters (there were none) and more tranny action but I like to think that that is saved for next year. The speakers were wonderful and I felt great being part of (and organizing) something so great. Deanna and I really do make a good team.

Then afterwards went to dinner with Rob, Deanna and Deb at Penang. MMMM.

Then nothing else happened. But on Saturday I went out tree planting! That was very fun, actually. Nevermind the actual physical work, I felt good about not spending a non-working Saturday doing homework. I actually woke up at 7:00 AM and managed to get out of the house by 7:30ish to drive all the way up to Temple to meet the Temple Democrats at the ungodly hour of 8:00 AM. I mean, I may be awake but that doesn't mean I necessarily want to drag myself out into Philly at that time.

So I spent the morning helping trees get their roots into Philadelphia. I could already feel the extra oxygen in the air. You go trees. I mean, you go.

Afterwards, out to lunch with Deanna, Deb and Anna with their friends Claude and Carolyn. I literally felt like the token guy in that group. Lunch was at Penang again. I think I have Deb and Deanna hooked on that place. You should be too. It's great there. I was so tired so I just kind of spaced out as they (the girls) talked about girl stuff. I wasn't uncomfortable but I wasn't comfortable either. But good karma points for not jumping up and running away. Eh? Eh?

Window shopping afterwards. I really want to get shoes soon. And I saw this nice hoodie. But I've got to recover my bank account from this strenuous school year. And yay for the Gayborhood.

How will my good karma manifest itself? Perhaps in a income tax rebate check? A nice go-go boy? I don't know, surprise me. Pfft.

PS. I'm thinking of changing the layout. Any HTML'er's please contact me so I can command you to build me a great blog. Kthanks

I was talking to my friend today about cooking. Apparently he didn't know I like to cook. I guess I don't seem like that kind of guy. I don't know why though. I guess because I'm so clueless on certain things. And making product in Organic Chem (failing at making product, that is) doesn't help my cooking cred either.

My friends and I used to cook together in high school. I really miss those days. We'd go over each other's houses - usually my house since I have the biggest kitchen - and open up a cook book and see which recipe is both the cheapest and easiest to make. If I remember correctly I still have my friend's Indian cookbook. Its legally hers. She bought it. But I always seem to conveniently *forget* to tell her. The thing is, I never even liked Indian food that much. But whenever I made it with her, it always seemed to taste much better.

And lately I've been thinking about moving in with Deanna and how awesome it would be for the two of us to have a place together. We'll make a little family. And instead of every Friday making dinner with a friend, it'll be almost everyday making dinner with Deanna. Which is on the top five reasons for moving in with Deanna.

Sorry kiddos, no sassy quotes today. I'm tired. And I don't know whats going to happen on National Day of Silence. I'm kind of scared.

To pick up where I left off the last time. Yeah, I remember Chris telling me about his dream that he was in some sort of Mortal Kombat type setting and he just finished demolishing this one guy. Chris comes into the bedroom and lays down with me and starts crying because the next guy is going to be me. And Chris didn't want to demolish me/kill me and vice versa. And he told me, at the time, that it was the first time that he realized he cared about another person so deeply that it caused him so much pain.

And I thought it was the best sign in our relationship at that point, you know? I guess its just me and how I give my love and affection to people so easily. Chris wasn't, isn't like that. So when I heard him explain the dream to me, I was so relieved that maybe Chris felt the same way about me. I mean, its great how deep dreams are sometimes and how much they reveal about the person.

And I think its kind of analogous to the state of things now. How Chris and I are kind of fighting each other and how much it sucks. I don't want to necessarily "kill" Chris and I believe he doesn't necessarily want to "kill" me either. But there's so many bad feelings between us that it makes me very uncomfortable. I am not the kind of person that deals with bad feelings and environments easily. I just want to fix everything and make things all better but I know that I can't possibly do this. Well, I can but either it won't work or the best solution would end up being to wait it out for things to die down. And I am not a good waiter.

So I wake up today and I go on my rounds online. I check my mail, check my blogs and check my Facebook. No one has uploaded any pictures yet of the Queer Prom. But that's not what I'm going to talk about. I found out that Chris had removed me from his friends list on Facebook. And I find this kind of shocking. Michael did too but I don't really care. I mean, I care in the sense that he doesn't feel very good towards me. But, its Michael, so what? I was focused on Chris. Sure, it isn't the worst thing to happen but I just didn't expect it at all.

I debated with myself if I should add him as a friend again. And the obvious answer was no, I shouldn't. But I did anyway. Why? Because the pain makes me feel alive? No. Because I had believed that our little "We're not talking to each other because when we do, we hurt each other" bout was only temporary and everything will be solved with time. Right, right?

I don't know. And shut up to everyone who says I should cut him out of my life. I don't do that. I never do that. It would just feel as if I'm running away from things. Which is an option, I admit. But its not the option I would...opt for.

Okay, whats with driving late at night on the highway blasting Weezer's Pinkerton that makes me so happy? Especially "Falling for you". I swear, I must have screamed to that song two or three times. And the last song on Pinkerton, "Butterfly" is the best last song of any album. And yes, I am so bold to say that.

Queer Prom was great. I'm going to be uploading so many pictures. Some of them, with me in very compromising positions. And the gayborhood with Deanna? OMG, I love Lush now. It is the best soap/lotion/whatev store I've ever been in.

eeee!

According to my Last.fm profile, I have logged about 11k songs ever since I started last year. But I'm sure the actual number was much much higher since my iPod is always with me and always playing something. But I never was able to get the iPod program to work for me. It's supposed to count the songs played on the iPod and log them, etc.

Queer Prom is this weekend and I am exhausted. Deanna and I have been running around organizing Queer Prom and National Day of Silence. They're going to be great. And I need a break from everything.

The whole drama thing with Chris/Michael/Amy/People-on-my-side left me feeling sore too. I had debated whether or not to mention it again on this blog but I decided that I don't really blog for other people. I blog for myself. Sure, there's always that small exhibitionist aspect when it comes to public personal blogs but I have always believed that despite all that, its still a great release for me.

The whole thing has been very shitty and I regret some of the things that were said. I regret some of the bridges that have been severely burned and construction is put off indefinitely. To an undetermined time. And, if I really think about it, perhaps Chris wasn't the best person for me. Perhaps I was too eager to jump into a relationship? No, I don't think thats the case. I mean, Chris and I really clicked on that first night we went out. We had a lot of things in common and I thought he was a great guy.

I even took him to meet my friends. Like, the first time we've ever hung out. I was his gateway drug into the gay world, more or less. I'm not saying that my gay world was THE gay world, but you know.

But as thing progressed and everything, I started to find those things about him that I didn't like. But I was never in a serious relationship before except if you count Matt P, the first boy in my life. So I just assumed that people in a serious relationship usually let small little things go or try to work them out or whatever. Quitting in the middle seemed strange and stupid. Plus, the pros of going out with Chris far outweighed the cons.

But the cons just kept mounting. Like, for example, I had gotten Chris a pinkish rose for the Fall Ball and my favorite romantic poem - which I will post later. Chris loved the card with the poem but when it came time to take the rose, he just shrugged and told me to keep it. I ended up throwing it away. But, I mean, couldn't he have just taken it and thrown it away and not told me? Okay, maybe that was a bad example.

Or how about not letting me meet any of his friends? I'm not sure if it was a mistake on my part inviting him into my life. I'm not being clear. Okay, when we were going out, my life was divided into two parts: my family life and my friends & Chris life. Chris knew all my friends, I invited him to all the parties I went to, all the drinking, etc. And Chris loved it because he never really got the chance to do those things. He doesn't know any gay people and all he does is smoke pot or drink with his sister's friend or Amy/Amanda. But Chris' life was divided between Amy/Amanda/Friends, family, and me. Never did I meet his friends. I met his father. But that's about it. And I didn't feel as if it was even.

And let's not even go too deep into Battle of the Bands night. That night was when I first had inklings that perhaps Chris and I weren't meant to be. But, still, I didn't want to dwell on those thoughts at the time.

I remember walking to my car one day after school and seeing the beaver that Chris won for me at the movies from those games with the claws and stuff animals. I remember thinking to myself what would I do if Chris and I were to break up, where would the beaver live?

Well, the beaver is still in the car. I like it. I still have Google maps directions to Chris' house, directions to his uncle's house. I still have the list of WoW servers he is on and Amy's phone number.

Speaking of which, I just cancelled my WoW subscription. No point in playing it anymore. I've been a level 22 hunter for the last two months. I think its kind of boring without anyone to play with me. And it wasn't that great. To be honest.

I'm going to end it now since I'm hella tired.

The Poem I gave to Chris:

The red rose whispers of passion,
And the white rose breathes of love;
O, the red rose is a falcon,
And the white rose is a dove.
But I send you a cream-white rosebud
With a flush on its petal tips;
For the love that is purest and sweetest
Has a kiss of desire on the lips.

- J B O'Reilly (1844-1890) -

Dear Amy,

So, who gives you the right to act as if you're so high and mighty? Did you not realize that your comment critiquing my writing was full of grammatical mistakes as well? Pot, meet kettle.

PS. I don't know why you keep on visiting my blog and insisting on arguing with me. I've already made my peace, more or less, with Chris. What's the deal with you?

Dear Amy,

I did not appreciate you posting a very horrible comment on my blog because you disliked my metaphors. Are we still in grade school?

But all kidding aside, Amy, you don't know me. You really don't. And you never got the chance and its something I regret. Because Chris speaks very highly of you. So I was always asking to hang out with you or Amanda. Or even one of Chris' friends. But I never got that chance. And I feel that if you got to know me, you wouldn't be so quick to judge. So, what do you think? Do you want to give it a shot?

Oh, the reason why I didn't want to accept your apology when you gave it on the phone with Chris was that I don't know you and you don't know me. What good will an apology do? I didn't know whether or not you even said it or if you meant it. And you didn't know if I would accept it. An apology is meaningless between people who don't know each other, don't you agree?

Dear Chris,

I never really expected to say goodbye to you. And I am totally angry at Deanna for calling you up and telling you to not talk to me anymore. I feel as if I would regret taking you out of my life because I always thought you'd be there in some fashion even if we weren't together. I thought our chemistry was great, how we clicked so well. And I still think you're an okay guy even if we don't necessarily agree on some things.

I never meant to put you on a guilt trip but you always said you wanted me to yell at you. Do you remember that? I really want to click on your name again and just resume talking to you. But I know I shouldn't. And I can't. Weird, huh? I seriously don't know where we stand. I don't know what I'll do if I'll see you again.

The one thing that really really bugs me is that how you can stay so calm and say everything you say and how I can't. How you can just say "Its for the best to not talk to each other because I'll just end up hurting you" and not show that you're sad or regretful of that. I mean, do you know how hard it is to just come to the realization that I might hate you? I don't want to. Of course I don't. Since you meant so much to me at once point.

You don't know how often I would sit there and wonder what you're doing. Which jokes you're laughing at. Who you're laughing with. How your day was. Whether or not you hated that one song as much as I did. I'd wonder what your plans were and whether or not they would ever include me again.

They say time heals all wounds. And taking some time off from each other would mend all wounds and everything. But, like Ben Folds said, time takes time too, you know.

I'll say it again. I really feel as if I am losing a good friend.

Dear Michael,

I don't know how I feel about you. I don't know what your story is. I can only assume. I can only speculate. I can only think you're a raging asshole. I can only hate you and feel weird whenever I picture you together with Chris. But none of its going to help.

You know, I before I met Chris, I actually thought you looked like a cool person. When I saw you at Common Ground meetings, I thought you looked interesting and I always wanted to go up to you and say hi. You're intelligent and quick. Good guy. And I really did try to give you a chance even after I assumed your intentions towards Chris. I really did.

But things aren't so good now. Chris has had one heck of a time defending you. If you didn't know that. He always had one thing or another, one reason why you did this or that. So, maybe you're not that bad.

However, with that being said, I don't know how or if I could forgive you. For your intentions, for your actions, for you being you. And many other things but I feel as if its best left unsaid or said in a private one-on-one conversation between us if need be.

Dear Deanna,

I am angry at you for telling Chris to stop talking to me. And I am even more angry at you for not making me stop talking to Chris. You know I wouldn't have stopped after you told me to. And of course, Chris didn't stop talking to me.

But I am grateful you're there. And I'm glad you're finally happy.

Dear Everyone else,

fuck you.