Tell me about your mother.
Tuesday, August 08, 2006
Instead of actually going to a therapist, I am going to split my personality in two and become half therapist and half messed up kid.
So, tell me about yourself.
Well, I'm a 19 year old homosexual college kid who doesn't feel like a 19 year old homosexual college kid.
Why don't you feel like a 19 year old homosexual college kid?
Because I'm stuck at home, I'm not allowed to go anywhere, I'm not allowed to date. I'm trapped and I have no where to go.
But you're still 19, right? And you're still a homosexual, right? And you are in college, right?
Right. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not like the rest of my friends who are out and about every night and go on hot dates or get drunk or something.
So, if you went out and got drunk tonight, you'd feel better about yourself and your situation?
No, a few more things are going to have to change before I feel better about my situation. I want freedom. I want independence. But I'm scared and I don't have what it takes for freedom and independence.
What does it take for freedom and independence?
Money. Lots of money. And courage. More courage than money.
You don't have this?
If I did, would I be talking to you for free? I mean, talking to myself, for free?
Perhaps not, perhaps so. Anyway, what do you plan on doing with your freedom?
I want to go out with friends to clubs or hang out with them in my living room or something and talk about things every night. I want to write in my blog, "So today Kathy was telling me..." and/or "Bob and I played footsies under the table. I think maybe I'm falling for him." and/or "I played scrabble with my friends and spelled out 'dildo' and got a billion points." You know, I would socialize. I wouldn't need to tell anyone that I'm going anywhere. And I'll be normal.
Normal? What is normal?
Normal is what everyone else is and what I am not.
But what is "normal"? You must have a definition of it in your head if you're trying so hard to reach it.
For example, I always thought that the normal course of life would be as follows: You're born into a loving family with one older brother and a dog already, a house with stairs. Then you grow up, learn how to ride a bike, have sleep overs, Christmas and birthday parties, first kiss and first love, then move away for college for four years (or more) with your parents right behind you every step of the way. That's how I pictured normal family life. Normal, every day fuckin' life. Like having a loving family, an older sibling, and going away for college would be a given, part of the deal.
Do you feel cheated?
Yes I do! That's exactly how I feel.
What made you think that you were so entitled to this. Or everyone was entitled to this?
It's what all of my friends have. Well, most of my friends have. 99.9% of all of my friends and acquaintances and whatever. And everyone on TV. Except for those two kids in Mysterious Skin – even the smart guy was stuck in Community College. Well, he had glasses on and was a loser so I assumed he was a smart kid. But I just took going off to college a sort of given, another phase in my life. Where I can finally be myself but still have my parent's money.
So what if you don't have it? Life isn't fair. Not everyone gets what other people get. It's all a matter of this or that or this or that.
You sound like a fucking hallmark card. I complain because that's the only thing I can do. I can't just magically get enough money to stay on campus, I can't just magically have better friends, but I can magically complain until I can't complain anymore.
What do you see in your future?
Like, my immediate future or future future?
Life ten or twenty years from now.
Well, ten years from now, I'll be 29. I'll probably am already a pharmacist. I'll be in med school, probably doing my internship or residency. Twenty years form now, I'll be making lots of money and married to a spectacular guy.
Seems like a nice and interesting life planned out. Now, you just have to wait ten or twenty years.
But I can't do that!
Why?
Because that's ten or twenty years from now. Ages and ages. I'll be forty years old twenty years from now. Argh, almost dead.
Do you have a fear of growing old?
I'm scared to death about growing old.
Why?
Because it's unknown? Or maybe I'm really afraid of being lonely. Who knows if I'll be able to find someone when I'm old. And when I'm 30 or something, all the guys would look ugly anyway. I need to find young flesh now.
I totally agree with you. Totally. We need young flesh. NOW.
The end.
PS. It took me like an hour typing this up because everyone decided to IM me all at once and talk about things and they're like quickly replying to my one worded comments. And I'm like, fucking lay off for ten minutes. I have to create a masterpiece here. So if this sucked, blame the people on AIM far too much.
So, tell me about yourself.
Well, I'm a 19 year old homosexual college kid who doesn't feel like a 19 year old homosexual college kid.
Why don't you feel like a 19 year old homosexual college kid?
Because I'm stuck at home, I'm not allowed to go anywhere, I'm not allowed to date. I'm trapped and I have no where to go.
But you're still 19, right? And you're still a homosexual, right? And you are in college, right?
Right. But I guess what I'm trying to say is that I'm not like the rest of my friends who are out and about every night and go on hot dates or get drunk or something.
So, if you went out and got drunk tonight, you'd feel better about yourself and your situation?
No, a few more things are going to have to change before I feel better about my situation. I want freedom. I want independence. But I'm scared and I don't have what it takes for freedom and independence.
What does it take for freedom and independence?
Money. Lots of money. And courage. More courage than money.
You don't have this?
If I did, would I be talking to you for free? I mean, talking to myself, for free?
Perhaps not, perhaps so. Anyway, what do you plan on doing with your freedom?
I want to go out with friends to clubs or hang out with them in my living room or something and talk about things every night. I want to write in my blog, "So today Kathy was telling me..." and/or "Bob and I played footsies under the table. I think maybe I'm falling for him." and/or "I played scrabble with my friends and spelled out 'dildo' and got a billion points." You know, I would socialize. I wouldn't need to tell anyone that I'm going anywhere. And I'll be normal.
Normal? What is normal?
Normal is what everyone else is and what I am not.
But what is "normal"? You must have a definition of it in your head if you're trying so hard to reach it.
For example, I always thought that the normal course of life would be as follows: You're born into a loving family with one older brother and a dog already, a house with stairs. Then you grow up, learn how to ride a bike, have sleep overs, Christmas and birthday parties, first kiss and first love, then move away for college for four years (or more) with your parents right behind you every step of the way. That's how I pictured normal family life. Normal, every day fuckin' life. Like having a loving family, an older sibling, and going away for college would be a given, part of the deal.
Do you feel cheated?
Yes I do! That's exactly how I feel.
What made you think that you were so entitled to this. Or everyone was entitled to this?
It's what all of my friends have. Well, most of my friends have. 99.9% of all of my friends and acquaintances and whatever. And everyone on TV. Except for those two kids in Mysterious Skin – even the smart guy was stuck in Community College. Well, he had glasses on and was a loser so I assumed he was a smart kid. But I just took going off to college a sort of given, another phase in my life. Where I can finally be myself but still have my parent's money.
So what if you don't have it? Life isn't fair. Not everyone gets what other people get. It's all a matter of this or that or this or that.
You sound like a fucking hallmark card. I complain because that's the only thing I can do. I can't just magically get enough money to stay on campus, I can't just magically have better friends, but I can magically complain until I can't complain anymore.
What do you see in your future?
Like, my immediate future or future future?
Life ten or twenty years from now.
Well, ten years from now, I'll be 29. I'll probably am already a pharmacist. I'll be in med school, probably doing my internship or residency. Twenty years form now, I'll be making lots of money and married to a spectacular guy.
Seems like a nice and interesting life planned out. Now, you just have to wait ten or twenty years.
But I can't do that!
Why?
Because that's ten or twenty years from now. Ages and ages. I'll be forty years old twenty years from now. Argh, almost dead.
Do you have a fear of growing old?
I'm scared to death about growing old.
Why?
Because it's unknown? Or maybe I'm really afraid of being lonely. Who knows if I'll be able to find someone when I'm old. And when I'm 30 or something, all the guys would look ugly anyway. I need to find young flesh now.
I totally agree with you. Totally. We need young flesh. NOW.
The end.
PS. It took me like an hour typing this up because everyone decided to IM me all at once and talk about things and they're like quickly replying to my one worded comments. And I'm like, fucking lay off for ten minutes. I have to create a masterpiece here. So if this sucked, blame the people on AIM far too much.
This entry was posted
on Tuesday, August 08, 2006 at 9:23 PM.
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August 13, 2006 9:30 PM
what the hell