So there's this guy I know online who I talk to sometimes. We're purely online friends and I know that because of this, we don't really know each other except for the superficial fronts we put up online.

Every once in a while [all the time] he talks about how lonely he is and how much he wishes he had a boyfriend. He says I'm lucky for having one. And, although I'd like to be considered lucky to have a boyfriend - and I feel that I am for having such a great one as Chris - I generally hate self-loathing and just all around complaining. Sure, there's a time for that but when it happens every night, not my cup of tea.

This kid is still in high school, a senior if I'm not mistaken. No wait, junior? Well, whatever. He's 17 and still in high school. And he's Asian - which makes a difference in this post. I remember back in high school when I had low(er) self esteem. When I thought that I was ugly and fact and awkward and everyone was either better, more popular, fitter, or generally an all around better human being than I am namely because I grew up in a white suburban neighborhood. You know, that one token Asian kid, not to mention - gay. Which made me a minority of a minority. It wasn't cool beans, not at all.

So I thought I could relate to the kid. You know, tell him that I suffered through the same things too. Blah blah blah. Show him what things to expect when he goes to college.

Today, however, he said something quite strange and I didn't really know how to respond. We weren't even talking and he pops up in an IM conversation and says, "I need the company of gay guys now."

me: huh?
him: I just want to hang out with some gay guys. I just have that urge.
me: oh. Well, its late at night so good luck finding anyone.
him: I want to hang out with some white bread.
me: huh? White gay guys?
him: yeah.
me: Uh...okay
him: sorry
me: Why sorry?
him: I'm bothering you.
me: You weren't. You're just being weird.
him: and lonely.
me: and obviously horny.
him: hey, I just wanted to hang out. Nothing more. Just chill
me: then I'm confused as to why they had to be white gay guys.
him: I don't know.
me: yeah, thats weird.
him: yeah.

I mean, sure I'm not one to say anything since I've only been with white guys [more specifically - Irish - but I have made out with a Jew before][and incidentally, so has this guy - the same Jew]. But when it just comes to chilling with people, I don't make much differentiation. Gender, race, social background. I only discriminate against language [good English only], good music and personality-wise. Otherwise, I'm fine. I wouldn't call him [lets call him Randy], I wouldn't call Randy a racist. But I'm still confused at what I should have said there if anything at all. And I guess by not responding is a response also.

Sure, I still feel awkward and ugly sometimes in this white nation [however somewhat diluted in college] I have never felt so awkward and bad about my image as to impede on my social life. I still manage to find boyfriends. And I try to keep the fact that I may be a fetish to some of my boyfriends by thinking that everyone else must also be a fetish in a way. Twinks, bears, tops and bottoms. Believe me, if there's anything impeding on my social life, its just my wallflowery and my striking good looks?

You're jealous, admit it.